The 101 Ways Alexandra Makes Me Laugh

I will spare you the long list that only continues to grow as Alexandra gets older and exerts her personality. And I understand that most of the 101 ways that Alexandra makes me laugh are simply because I am her mother. Others may find what she does inappropriate or annoying or maybe even normal because by the time their fourth child comes along (or they babysit their nephew for the umpteenth time), they've seen it a thousand times. But for me, many of these always make me laugh out loud. I list them in no particular order of funniness:

1. The Five-Second Rule or rather The Three Hour Rule.
On occasion, Alexandra will pick up food (chunky crumbs, etc) from the floor and eat it (against my telling her not to do so). On one particular occasion, during dinner, she dropped half of her pizza crust (which no one, for some reason, noticed). A few hours later, after her bath, using up the last few minutes of energy for the day, she emerges from under the dining table gnawing on half of the pizza crust she had dropped hours earlier. Siigh!

2. The Karate Chops.
Though she may not know it (or does she?), Alexandra is very active in her sleep. She will over stretch, flip, sit up and then lie back down, and, on one occasion, even crawl off the bed. One particular move she never fails to express is what i call the karate chops. With her tiny, yet surprisingly strong legs, she will suddenly and unexpectedly barrage me with a series of kicks. At times these prove beneficial since they hit areas sore by a Pilates class I took the night before.

3. The Moves.
Any time, any song is within ear shot of her, she will lift her arms as in preparing for a defensive move in boxing and begin bouncing up and down to the beat of the music. If she's standing she will do too many turns until making herself dizzy.

4. Drugs.
Inexplicably (i'm still very puzzled by this), Alexandra will stop whatever it is she is doing any time a drug commercial comes on TV. She could be buried in the middle of her favorite book or pressing every button she can possibly push on the air purifier but as soon as Cymbalta or Spiriva come on, she will stop everything to pay attention to the commercial.

5. Her Favorite Word: Mama.
I like to think that her favorite word is Mama. As someone pointed out, I made sure to find a reputable article that confirmed to me that if my child repeats a word several times, it is an indication that she has appropriated it as her favorite. So in her daily utterances of Mama, when she points to the ceiling and says Mama, or when she points to the elevator, or the door, or the doorMAN, or the tree or the crazy lady on the second floor and says Mama, it becomes almost an exercise in vocabulary for me to explain: Alexandra, do you mean CEILING? ELEVATOR? DOOR? TRACY (the doorman)? TREE? But on those instances where there is no vocabulary word (at least not one that I can say out loud), I simply smile and redirect her little pointing finger to my face and repeat..."yes, mama"!

Eleven Months!

How time goes! People say it gets easier when babies get older and it's true. She plays and interacts with me. Lets me know when she needs something or when something frustrates her. I understand her communications to be more purposeful or maybe I've learned to understand her? She laughs and laughs when I chase her, or when we dance the Waltz. At 11 months now, she acts like her own person, independent, doing her thing.

I've been in the midst of preparing for her 1st Birthday Party. The biggest low key party I've ever been involved in. A few guests, minor decorations, lots of food and drink and a reunion of sorts with friends we haven't seen in a while. Alexandra's abuelita will be traveling 3000 miles too. Although Alexandra and her abuelita have met, their only interactions in the past 8 months have been solely via Skype. Alexandra reacts to my mom on the computer screen but i'm not sure why she reacts -- does she recognize her?

* * * * * *

I thought I was going to be a worrywart when I traveled to Las Vegas to celebrate my birthday. I thought I would be sad, stressed or annoying constantly talking about my Alexandra. And I left in the middle of an unprecedented hurricane in the East Coast. CNN freaked me out a little with their reports. But no, I didn't suffer from any type of separation anxiety or guilt. Why should I have? I knew Alexandra was under the best care possible. Her papa is on top of things when it comes to her needs, and in this case, where a major hurricane was scheduled to hit the East Coast, I couldn't imagine a better person to be with than Curtis. Not only did he have an escape route, necessary equipment, extra food, etc., but he was anticipating this bonding opportunity with Alexandra. So along with Meme Ava, I knew that Alexandra would be very well taken care of and happy as she always is. Indeed, when I returned, she looked at me as if saying "ah there you are" and continued doing what she had been doing. Four days away gave them valuable time to bond. And I noticed.

Next entry will be after a major milestone and a visit to the pediatrician. I like to think that if she knew her birthday party was coming she would be anticipating and excited to be among so many adults doting on her and responding to her every whim! Can't wait.

10 Months already!

Judgments
It's taking me this long to understand why so many things aren't shared among mothers. When I became pregnant things happened to me that no one ever talked to me about, things mothers never shared. At first I thought it was because the experience of pregnancy and motherhood can be so overwhelming, it is easier for them to simply reply to inquiries with general answers about their well being like "I'm good" or "i'm tired", instead of getting into the gruesome details that most likely most people really don't want to know. And now, ten months into motherhood, I'm realizing that the major reason behind this curtain of secrecy (ok, maybe i'm being a little dramatic) is fear of judgement. This fear is compounded by the inevitable insecurity due to the inexperience of being a new mother coupled with the need to maintain a lifestyle that requires professionally and physically your all. Although we have been very thoughtful and purposeful in the choices we have made thus far, there's still those judgmental voices that undoubtedly (as if our decisions were made haphazardly) make their presence known whenever I decide to share a tidbit relating to Alexandra. I'm not going to try to psychoanalyze or reason behind this incredibly destructive way of being, after all I have been known to be judgmental toward different population types in general. But what I can say is that this realization offers me an awareness of mind that eases my choices and our decisions as parents. My judgmental ways have also minimized except when judging requires an opinionated and/or discriminating mind to make an informed decision.

Birthday Party
Although Alexandra is only 10 months, preparations for her 1st Birthday Party are well underway. I don't want to give too much away but after much deliberation we opted for an adult only party in the later part of the day. She will absolutely love to be the center of attention among all our friends.

Walking
Over a month ago Alexandra began letting go of furniture she used as walking aids to allow herself to balance on her own. Finally, during her ninth month she took her first steps around the house. The sound effects are coming from her mouth.



Enjoy.

9 months and 3 days!

We visited the pediatrician this morning. I didn't like most of what she had to say. Curt asked me if I wanted to change doctors but I don't think I'm ready for that either.

At this visit, aside from getting weighed and measured --- she gained two lbs and grew two inches --- her ring finger was pricked to allow for a few drops of blood to be collected into a vial. This was for lead and anemia testing. Apparently, at this age, kids are susceptible to lead poisoning because they put everything in their mouth. Alexandra didn't scream and was intrigued by the band-aid the nurse wrapped around her little finger. Then the doctor came in.

Sitting on the exam table, Alexandra got a full examination: lungs, heart, ears, mouth, etc., and she didn't like it. She yelled and moved around attempting to push away whatever instrument came near her. She screamed and cried, losing her breadth. Only after it was all done could mama and papa console her.

Then came the MEAN instructions from the doctor:
1. Her pacifier must be removed in order to TRAIN her to sleep on her own without any aids.
2. She must go to sleep earlier, around 6:30pm, so she can sleep better through the night!
3. She needs to consolidate her daily naps to ONE nap a day.

No, no and no! Especially #2 makes me angry. I get home from work at 5:30 pm. When would I spend time with her during the week? What an unreasonable thing to ask for. And #1? Sure, I understand that little by little her pacifier will have to be taken away (she doesn't suck her thumb) but before she's even 1?? If it's not the pacifier, it will be something else she attaches to in order to soothe herself to sleep...a doll, a blanket, something!! And #3? She's been fighting her sleep lately. She rubs her eyes and rests her head on my shoulder but when I put her to bed, she refuses and cries. Am I supposed to ignore the signs of sleep and not put her to nap when she's tired? ugh! Call me a protective mother or irrational or whatever else comes to mind...but it seems unnecessary and cruel to "TRAIN" my child this way. I think, in my own inexperienced, well read, constantly researched mothering that these things can be managed at different stages with ease. Sure we have to socialize her but all in due time and at a loving slow natural (yes i said natural) pace!

Your thoughts?

Almost 8 months old

We moved when Alexandra turned 7 months and it has been nonstop work (with some chaos) to settle into our new space. Alexandra finally has a nursery she will be able to enjoy....as soon as we complete it. Little by little lambs are emerging from her sheets, her night light and lamp shade, her wall and her blanket. And she seems intrigued by them...but then again, she's intrigued by mostly everything. At this stage, she stands and claps and pushes the ottoman around the living room using it as her personal walker. She manages to stand a few seconds without holding on to anything, enough to clap a few times...maybe imitating us when we see her doing something great or maybe showing off her abilities to hold her balance long enough to clap, clap, clap! Her food repertoire has increased as well. She eats broccoli and green beans, sweet potato and pears, peas and peaches, yogurt and prune juice...yes, prune juice diluted in water...yum? (this last one is more for medicinal purposes).

Curtis told me the other day that I make motherhood seem easy. I don't know if most husbands say this about their wives but he couldn't be more far from the truth. Motherhood is anything but easy for me. There are conflicting emotions and stress that I never imagined I'd suffer. And the past 7 plus months have made me reassess and discover things about myself, my life that I never thought I'd have to think about. Being a stay at home mom for the first six months provided a perspective that I couldn't have read from a book. And now, working full time also changes my ways of behaving in this new role.

Staying at home with Alexandra made me realize my limitations. I questioned why, as a stay-at-home mom (especially with an infant) I insisted on cooking, doing laundry, taking care of the home? This only stressed me out more and tired me to exhaustion. This made me moody and even unpleasant at times (if you can believe that)! And now, as a working mom I rush home to be with Alexandra -- I'm flooded with energy on my way to pick her up, to hug her and see her heart melting smile. But once at home, I feel the burden of everyday responsibilities, all while taking care of Alexandra. This burden is self imposed. Why? I don't have to be supermom...rather, I don't WANT to be supermom.

Many times Curtis has had to physically stop me from doing things...forcing me to relax, nap or just do nothing.

The abrupt changes that happened once we had Alexandra (even after nine months of preparation bringing a brand new person into our lives) required a real self reevaluation. Realizing my limitations -- that I couldn't do it all...but most importantly, that I didn't have to do it all -- was the easy part. Readjusting my priorities has been more difficult. It is hard work to ignore the laundry, to simply order in, to respond to emails later, to run errands on weekends without Alexandra, to spend time on ME things (when there are things that have to get done), to share parenting responsibilities, etc. I have had to learn to release the need for control and do things when I can, when it's possible, which many times may be later than sooner. While at the same time, I had to learn to be okay with doing things that I want when I want while responsibilities wait....

This readjustment has allowed me to be much happier to enjoy Alexandra, to be a loving wife and to be satisfied and fulfilled with myself.

Half Year Old

When I turned 30 everyone asked me if I felt differently entering this new decade. I didn't. The same question came around when I got married and when I graduated with the doctorate degree. I didn't feel more mature or responsible because I was married nor did I feel any smarter or confident because I now could demand the title Doctor before my name. Even being pregnant didn't necessarily make me feel "different" (aside from the physical part of it). But now, six months into this new role of motherhood, I can definitely attest that I have changed, evolved, significantly enough for me to notice. These changes, for better or for worse, have brought a sense of confidence that I never knew I could feel. I'm more discriminating while at the same time I understand what is important enough to deserve war. I'm more apt at recognizing the difference between my whims and my convictions even if I voice them similarly. And the details of life that I sometimes dwelled on seem more relevant since they matter so much in our every day interactions with Alexandra.

I know, I know it isn't fair to attribute these significant changes to motherhood alone. The culmination of all those events that happened in my 30s and the fact that 40 is just around the corner, contributes to my introspection and this realization. And now that I'm back at work, seemingly the same, while I sit behind my desk doing the same old thing, the same old way, with the same old people I quietly burst in difference and changes I wish I could make everyone know and see. But why? I keep this new sense of self in motherhood, in marriage, as I enter my forties brewing inside me releasing bits at a time for the world to see.

* * *
At six months Alexandra talks, stands, does the downward dog? For some reason she takes the crawling position but instead of moving forward or backward, she lifts her behind up in the air, straightening her legs into that yoga pose. And she holds it, holds it, holds it and then falls back to her knees or on her side back to the rug. She seems brave to try new things. Her personality shows to be demanding and curious, involved. At six months she seems to understand cause and effect...does this mean her manipulation of us begins?

She stares at me at times, intently, lifting an eyebrow as if letting me know she found something on my face to be very interesting. And then she mimics me. She wants to touch everything, squeeze it, bury her nails into it, whatever that IT may be. And she's quick. In less than two seconds, she stuck her tiny index finger into Papa's nose and wiggled it about. Think of that image next time you meet her and she sticks her fingers in your mouth!

I sang Happy Birthday to Alexandra this morning, at least five times. She was amused by it. To commemorate this fabulous milestone, we may serve peaches to her for the first time tomorrow. I've been preparing for this day by buying the ripest organic peaches, getting her a silicone spoon that won't scratch her face, buying just the right plate that won't slip easily off the table and charging the camera. She already sits at the table with us at dinner time, on her own chair but until now she has joined us only in conversation. This time she will partake in eating real, albeit mushy, food. I was told I should start with green color foods as opposed to orange color ones since orange foods tend to be sweet (like carrots, peaches, sweet potato, squash, etc.) and starting her on sugar may not be the best bet. I don't know. I've prepared for over a month for this day and she too has been enthusiastic about finally eating peaches...well, at least that is what I interpret every time i squint, smile and repeat "peaches peaches peaches" and she laughs to her heart's content.

5 months and 1 day

I know I am a day late posting this blog.  But these past few weeks have been quite hectic, from dealing with the new apartment and coping with having to end maternity leave to return to the office.

Alexandra  has grown immensely.  She seems to show a personality that is sociable and warm already.  Her smile lights up a room and brings to the grumpiest of all a twinkle to their eye.  Just yesterday at lunch with a coworker, all our surrounding tables commented "what a happy baby she is"! And of course she smiles big, fueling passerby's comments further "she's so beautiful".  And "beautiful" is that magic word that always, without fail, makes her smile even more.  For a moment it seems, people around her, including me, forget our surroundings to drown in her toothless, squinty, open mouth smile! 

I don't know how i'm going to do it.  A week from this Friday I will be back at the office, full time.  How does one go "back" to work? There's no going back to the way it was.  No way can I return to the office like coming back from a vacation, or a sabbatical like the four-month time I took to complete my dissertation.  This is not that kind of going back.  

We started to practice today my time away from Alexandra.  Meme Ava takes Alexandra as early as possible...today was at 8:45am...and follows a routine that sort of organically developed between Alexandra and me.  We play, she naps, she eats and we play again.  Then (on nice days) we go outside for a walk.  She eats again and naps. Suddenly it's 5pm.  But not today.  Today I'm away in the bedroom, listening to her get accustomed to workdays without me (and I'm trying to get adjusted the same).  And she does very well until...she cried enough to make me "intervene".  I don't know what she was feeling but it hurt me to hear her cry.  Little by little, I know, we both will get used to these darn workdays.  I know they will be much harder for me than for her but in the end we will all be better: Alexandra will learn from and enjoy Meme Ava; I will...uh, I just know I will be better, right? Somehow.

Although Alexandra sleeps for a good amount of time at night, at least six hours, we both got used to sleeping in...sometimes until 11am.  I seemed to get my 8 hours of sleep some how some way.  But now that work demands I show up a particular time,  I may begin to suffer the sleeplessness that many parents often complain about.  I'm not sure if and when we begin giving Alexandra solid foods will assist in establishing a longer sleeping pattern at night.  Some people have suggested this may help.   We decided to wait another month to give her solids starting with low(er) calorie foods like vegetables.  Both Curt and I are really looking forward to this time, where she can sit at our dinner table and enjoy family dinner time.  With her intense curiosity we can only imagine what dinner conversations will be like...but I know I'm getting way ahead of myself.

The Countdown Continues

4 months and growing....

In the cold windy snowy day we had yesterday, I walked, ran up the hill in the recently plowed streets with baby Alexandra cuddled in her stroller. Her pediatric appointment was at 1pm for her second set of shots. The wind was too much and I wasn't dressed for it. My hands were frozen and my ears ached in pain from the cold that just seemed to penetrate to the bone. But we made it. Curt caught up with us by car 20 minutes later. As usual, her head was measured, so was her length and she was weighed. I was wrong in my home calculations. She wasn't 27 inches long, but 25. And her weight was not the 20 lbs I thought she was. I realize now that I simply need to continue strength training to get stronger. The scale weighed her at 17 lbs and 8oz. Though the pediatrician did say Alexandra was heavy (her language was "off the charts"), she said it was no reason for concern. Chubby babies who are strictly breastfed can continue to thrive and grow naturally. Though at this weight Alexandra is suited for solids, we have opted to continue her on her present diet as research has shown that babies who start solids before 6 months have a greater likelihood of obesity in adulthood.

Shortly after Curtis arrived, the doctor began examination of Alexandra. She started to cry when the pediatrician examined her ears...seemed to be annoyed with that plastic pointy thing in her ear. This felt like the beginning of a worse crying fit to come once the needles containing the vaccinations were stabbed into her thick thighs. But no, the needle went in, the vaccination was pumped through and the needle was pulled out. Nothing, no tears, no cry. Impressive indeed. Then the other leg. The silence was too good to be true. This time she burst into screaming tears but within moments of getting cutesie band-aids she can't even see, I picked her up, cuddled her and it was over. She wanted Papa and once in his arms, she was back to her old self.

When we returned home, she slept for most of the afternoon. I was a bit concerned she would not sleep at night but she had no trouble falling asleep as usual.

* * *
As for me, I have been trying to incorporate exercise into my life but the time consumed by the work in our new apartment doesn't jive with the classes I like to take and I often miss them. And the cold weather doesn't help.

I return to work soon and I'm dreading it. I wish I could stay with baby Alexandra for at least a year but my job won't wait.

* * *
The Countdown Continues

Almost 4 months - 16 weeks

Today Alexandra is sixteen weeks - not quite the four months the math seems to indicate. For now I'll share the video below.

Week 13 - Alexandra is three months today

My arms hurt. Our next doctor appointment isn't well into February so in order to determine how much Alexandra is weighing these days we had to get creative. In our bathroom scale Curt weighed himself and then we added Alexandra to his arms. She weighs a solid 14 lbs. She is long at 25 inches and is able to maintain a sitting position for a good while now. She enjoys tummy time, an exercise intended to assist her in neck muscle development, which she dominates for quite a few weeks now. She has been able to hold her head up since the first month, leading her papa to don her the title of "Advanced Child". Yes, even the pediatrician at the last visit (at six weeks) suggested we start filling out her college application.

In the last month Alexandra (and I) had the luxury of having two grandmothers visit her, care for her, pamper her every whim. She may still be too young to be spoiled (or is she?) but she seems to have enjoyed all the attention in the arms of them. Meme Ava carried her for hours until she fell into her sleep; and Abuelita Nelly entertained her with dancing and songs that made her laugh and laugh and laugh like I have never seen.

In all the entertaining and attention Alexandra received, major changes happened. She grasped her hands together tightly like praying or deep in thought. She looks at my hands intently and then at hers and then back at mine attempting to move them the way that I do. She squeals, sighs, coos, "speaks" and "sings" along. For a while now, she discovered how to make bubbles with her saliva, and she loves to make them. She laughs and smiles and stares at me, always causing me butterflies. And her toys? Yes, she bats at them, grasps some of them and even takes them up to her mouth for investigation. And boy, does she love to look at herself in the mirror.

We seem to have gotten into a pattern. By ten pm (on workdays) we retreat to the bedroom where Alexandra has her own bed situated next to ours. She wakes at 2:30-2:45 for feeding. Then she wakes at 5:45-6:30 and then at 10am. We sleep well for the most part. On occasion I have bad nights where I can't go back to sleep after feeding her. The solution for this is easy - the gym - and I'm trying to start again that routine.

Alexandra is big, so full of expression and attitude. I'm delighted to be able to enjoy these times with her, every minute. And with this winter, with three storms behind us and with one on the way, Alexandra couldn't have picked a better time for us to hibernate and learn together about the world!

Week 8 - Alexandra is two months today

Today is Alexandra's birthday. I have made it a point to take in every moment, pay attention to every change, every new habit, or development that she goes through. I've seen her follow me around with her eyes, she's talked to me with her cooing, lately she's been reaching out and grabbing things. She's very alert and curious...at the mall yesterday she almost developed whiplash from her trying to capture all that was around her...didn't want to miss a thing. She's so big and strong.

Women with children have always told me that my life will no longer be my own and/or that I will fall in love like I never loved before. They promise that their children are their biggest accomplishment. I don't know if that's true. All I know is that I understand. I don't know if this is the change they speak of or the love they feel (or what they even mean when they say it is their biggest accomplishment) but I know that having Alexandra has shown me, taught me, given me an indescribable experience that only having and caring for a child can give, especially an eagerly wanted and planned child. I won't be cliche here or mushy, it's not my style, all I can say is that I now understand that having Alexandra has provided an additional layer, another dimension of living my life. How enriching! If having a child has been a matter of debate in your mind, end it by choosing to have one. The so called hard work and "sacrifices" don't exist if your circumstances, like mine, are made up of a supportive, hands-on partner that appreciates and understands the impact of having a child in his life.

Sure my life is different, it represents change, change represents living and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Week 4 - She's Officially One Month Old

The last two weeks have been more difficult than the initial two weeks. We have no patterns at all and time really doesn't mean anything. The lactation consultant who visited us last week encouraged this type of no pattern schedule. She recommended I nurse, feed, sleep on Alexandra's schedule. The specialist even recommended the baby sleep with us, next to me to allow for anytime feeding throughout the night.

At the time it sounded like a good idea but of course in reality it didn't really work out that way. She didn't say that it would be hard for me to fall asleep with her next to me in bed; that I would be required to sit long hours at a time nursing her and feeding her (two different acts); and napping when she napped? impossible. During her napping I had to do what I couldn't do when she was awake requiring my attention: I ate, went to the bathroom and stretched my legs. These aren't luxuries but necessities. Sitting for so long brought on pains and aches and led me to develop a daytime TV schedule that I'm embarrassed to share. Although we had some good nights, more often than not, at bedtime, Alexandra became irritated and let us know it by screaming her head off, fighting her feedings, or by making noises unrecognizable from a baby, all between 11pm and 2am, every night. We tried keeping her up during the day but like clock work she continued this behavior. The only thing that calmed her was if either of us carried her around, and so we did. With saggy bags under our eyes, almost like zombies we walked around the room until she finally fell asleep.

With his IPhone, Curt video taped one of these tantrums for us to share with her doctor at the next visit. The pediatrician said it's all normal and in fact noted her healthy weight gain and overall appearance between her hospital leave and now.

The past few days we have taken the lactation consultants advice (too much to share here) and modified it to better fit our lives. My doctor and Alexandra's pediatrician did warn me against taking the well intended advice of lactation consultants word for word and instead recommended we do what works best for us. I recognize this and tell myself often that if I'm not okay (in pain, too tired, hungry. etc.) then Alexandra isn't going to get the best of me.

Last night Alexandra slept with us waking once for feeding and changing. There was no dramatic tantrum during her usual 11pm to 2am hours. Everyday we learn more and more to read her as she becomes more patient with us.

Week 3 - November 12, 2010

Alexandra is 3 weeks today. Between week one and now has been an unbelievably hectic learning and getting-used-to experience that confused our sense of time, tested our common sense, pushed our patience, revealed our survival instinct in our struggles to function with little sleep. Most importantly, as Curtis says, we have reacquainted ourselves with our humanity: what it means to protect, care for, feed, rest, and be aware of bodily functions...not only for Alexandra's but our own, each other's. We have felt joy and helplessness. We've been annoyed and mesmerized. And we've become overwhelmed by a profound affection for the most simple gestures and sounds that baby Alexandra reveals -- we create our own narrative about what these could mean and we respond in our attempts to communicate and share with her.

"You can't spoil a newborn!" - These words have resounded in my brain after a day of attempting to 'train' Alexandra to a particular schedule for sleeping and eating. At this stage of her development it appears that anything goes. We learned that baby Alexandra is much too young to be forced into a particular timetable, feeding style (bottle, breast, pacifier), or sleeping pattern. The pediatrician at the hospital did tell me this but for some reason we had conflicting advice from various sources that confirmed patterns needed to be established now. Once we adopted the idea that a newborn could not be spoiled (made sense to us) and that instead we must respond to her cues, we learned to understand her more. She sleeps nicely at night and wakes once for feeding (3 or 4am) which papa has taken up to do every night with formula in a bottle. During the day she breastfeeds every other hour. And at times she doesn't want to eat but simply enjoy the feeling of a pacifier (I told myself I would NEVER give my child a pacifier...ha!).

My bad days are decreasing. I haven't taken advantage of the cool weather to walk around the neighborhood as I should. My medication intake has decreased as well. My biggest complaint now is the soreness that develops from milk production. But the extraction of the milk makes the soreness well worth enduring...being close to Alexandra as she eats to her heart's content is truly a tender experience.

Week 1 - Home with Alexandra

It's been a week since we arrived home with Alexandra. The stay at the hospital was uncomfortable with constant interruptions throughout the day and night. From the morning of the Friday Alexandra was born to the afternoon of Monday when we were released, there were numerous specialists, doctors, technicians, custodians, catering service workers, social workers, etc. coming in and out of our room. Everyone had something to do and express to me whether I was asleep (or trying to) any time of the day. It was nice to know that we had assistance during our entire stay but at one point it just became overwhelming to deal with the barrage of questions and instructions. The first two days I was high on anesthesia and further drugged on narcotics for pain control so it was easier to deal with all the "support". On day three and four, once the catheter was out and I was no longer on IV and was required to get out of bed and walk about to get my circulation going and the minor swelling down -- swelling resulted from the large amounts of liquids pumped into me via IV -- I became more alert and even reduced the amount of narcotics opting for ibuprofen for pain relief -- the "support" was a little harder to manage. Just when I was falling into that wonderful sleep i'd hear a knock at the door "excuse me, Ms. Rojas!" Ugh! My blood pressure needed to be checked every few hours; Alexandra's hearing test needed to be done; checking the cesarian incision; testing Alexandra for jaundice; how is mama's temperature; ah time to eat; Alexandra's blood needs to be drawn for genetic testing; can the cleaning crew come in to tidy up a bit; the lactation specialist provides instructions; the nurse comes in to bathe Alexandra; and it goes on and on and on....

Finally on Monday I heard those magic words "you will be discharged today." Yay! At 5:30 in the morning a doctor came in to remove the staples from my incision. It didn't hurt. The next requirement before we could fill out the paper work was that my blood pressure was reduced to a manageable number. The night before I had been required to watch a video on shaking baby syndrome. This video, combined with the narcotics and the anesthesia I was still trying to purge, took me emotionally to a very dark and scary place. I couldn't stop crying. The video was a heart wrenching sensationalist video meant to scare straight anyone who ever thought of shaking their baby. Once I came to the realization, or rather, once Curtis helped me manage my feelings, I realized that this video was a poor quality attempt to educate parents of this problem. And I let them know it. Again, under the influence of the drugs (maybe that's my excuse) I told them that judging from an educator's perspective, the quality of their video was not only sensationalist but insulting and I went ahead and told them how I could make it a real instructional/informative video that really served its purpose rather than traumatize. So on Monday, the trauma of this video didn't help in maintaining my blood pressure at that ideal number. And so I was prescribed blood pressure medication. Ugh! More drugs!

By noon I had done my best to relax, thinking happy thoughts and anticipating being home. My hair was tangled beyond recognition...i even thought some parts couldn't be salvaged and I may have to simply cut it off. I wanted to be home to shower for an hour and sleep on my own real mattress. I was very friendly with the blood pressure techs who would repeat the test if it resulted too high. I watched TV. But at the same time, I packed. Finally, around 4 we were given the green light and we headed home.

The past week has been a test in scheduling. We fell naturally into time sharing where I sleep through the night while Curt wakes twice (or more as needed) to care for Alexandra. Anytime between 6:30 and 8am I wake to take care of Alexandra until noon. We are then both up where we share Alexandra's needs until again about 11pm. And then we start again. During the sharing of time we may take naps, cook, do laundry, go shopping, etc.

It has been tough for me to do much more than take care of Alexandra and me. For now I take my pain medication (which now it's just ibuprofen -- the Oxycoden gave me hallucinations), iron (which I hate because it causes constipation), stool softener (because of the iron), blood pressure medication and multivitamins. None of the medications affect my breastfeeding so from day one I have made it a point to feed Alexandra this way. It serves both of us well. When I left the hospital my uterus was still swollen to the size of a six month pregnant woman and breastfeeding assists in the contraction of the uterus sooner than later. And I actually feel it. I feel internal pops as she breastfeeds. Weird.

Everyone talks about sleep deprivation. And it's true. Curtis is suffering...5 or 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep for him is not enough. Eventually, when I'm back to feeling normal, I may begin to suffer sleep deprivation the same. For now though, it is the least of my complaints. Constipation is number one, getting used to breastfeeding is number two (scheduling a lactation specialists sometime this week will hopefully help), and the incision from the cesarian is number 3 (with pain relief, I hurt very little). Whenever I feel sleepy I go take a nap and the night sleep is just fine for me as well - so far. I want to be back to normal as soon as possible...I would like to stop taking blood pressure medication and would like to walk at a normal pace, drive and run around as usual...but i understand, it's just been a week.

As we begin another week and Alexandra continues to grow I can only anticipate more and more what will come.

(FYI: after an hour in the shower with lots of conditioner I was able to detangle my birdnest ball of hair and it was all salvaged)

Week 40 or A New Chapter: Parenthood - October 25, 2010

As convinced as I was (or wanted to be) that Alexandra would allow us to have yet another weekend to ourselves, Thursday morning proved otherwise.

Timeline
(warning: for some of you squeamish and/or overly sensitive individuals who find certain inalienable facts TMI proceed with caution).

6:00 am - I woke up with my usual need to visit the restroom but this time, on my walk to the bathroom I experienced an unusual yet familiar pain. A pain I hadn't felt since sometime in January: menstrual cramping. In a matter of seconds the pain went away and I went about my business. A few minutes later the pain returned but just a bit stronger, also for a few seconds and then it was gone again. This happened for about half hour to 45 minutes before I realized the pain was pattern-like and more painful as time progressed. It was then that I decided to shake Curtis out of his sound sleep to let him know something was going on.

10:30 am -- After a couple of conversations with the doctor on the phone she determined that it was best we drive to the hospital to determine whether these contractions were false labor or indeed the real thing. In order to be armed with all the necessary tools to articulate the situation, Curtis had pulled out his timers to help me breathe through every painful contraction that i suffered that morning. 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4 breathe in 2 3 4 breathe out 2 3 4....And like textbook, there it was, 1 minute lasting contractions with 3 to 5 minute breaks between them.

11:00 am -- Once we reached the hospital we were whisked into the triage room to check vital signs and monitor the consistency and strength of each contraction...basically to prove with medical machinery that I was telling the truth.

Contraction in Action



Like a California earthquake measuring 10 on the richter scale!! Ow!

12:30 pm -- After enough time monitoring me in the triage, everyone was convinced that I needed to be prepped for labor even if I was still only 1 centimeter dilated. My blood pressure was too high to simply send me back home to waited out. The combination of high blood pressure and my age made the decision a no brainer. My doctor asked if I thought of taking an epidural and...I can tell she wanted to ask something else, but I didn't bother waiting to find out, i said "Epidural yes, and NOW! please?"

Relaxing on Epidural



12:30 to 5:00pm-- So we sat around for the next few hours allowing the contractions to happen pain free. The doctor checked in every once in a while and other residents came in and out as well making sure the dilation was progressing and we were on track.

Curits Passing The Time While I Ate







5:30pm - 6:30pm-- By evening, the doctor expected my water to have broken and it hadn't. And the process of dilation seemed to have slowed down. So they decided they were going in....they were going to manually break the water hoping for faster progression. I didn't mind at all, even when i saw their line of instruments, one of them long and sharp. I knew I wasn't going to feel anything so it was simple to cooperate. And then it happened. A gush of water flooded, penetrating the linen and overflowing on to the floor. The doctors finished what they were doing but quickly moved out of the way. The nurses rushed in with extra towels and a new set of bed linens. Quite the scene. After all the changes were made I was told that I had dilated substantially and they expected good results, which meant that within hours I should have reached my 10cm and be ready to push.

Then Evening Turned into Night



9:00pm - 12:30-- By this time, I had been in the hospital approximately 10 hours. The doctor performed an internal test and discovered I had one centimeter left to go. She also said Alexandra's head was within reach and expected the process to begin any minute. But we waited and "any minute" turned into an hour. After 10pm the doctor explained to me that Alexandra was what she calls "sunny side up" meaning that she would come out facing up rather than the typical position of facing toward the back. She said this position made it especially difficult because the arch of her body naturally forced her head upward in the process of pushing bumping the pelvic bone. So my pushes needed to be especially forceful and purposeful to fit under the pelvic bone. So not only did I need force in my pushing, but also form and the best way to accomplish this form was lying on my back --which as many of you know, makes it more difficult to push. Again, if she had been positioned in her normal place, sitting during the pushing would have been the way to go.

My doctor and the nurse sat at the end of the bed as Curt held my hand and cheered me on to push. And I pushed through several transactions but Alexandra's head kept bumping into the pelvic bone. And we tried again. And then we tried some more. My pushes were very calculated...no screaming wild uncontrollable dramatic scene.

Nothing.

I had been told that if after trying several times which caused the child's heartbeat to fluctuate affecting her negatively (exhausting her and reducing her heart rate) the final option would be to perform a cesarian.

The pushing went on until right passed midnight. After that final try, as I watched the news discuss the start of a full moon, my doctor alerted me that I will be prepped for a cesarian. Within minutes I was given anesthesia, Curt was given a gown proper for the operating room and I was whisked down the hall to a room full of people who talked to me about everything they were doing.

1:00am October 22, 2010 -- Curt held my hand and talked to me about the joy and love and magic that filled him...I shook uncontrollably and for a moment forgot what I was doing there, lying there on the operating room. Curt reminded me and then I heard someone yell Happy Birthday and Alexandra was brought over to me put next to my cheek for me to kiss and feel and touch and kiss again.



And then I felt this awful pain and my doctor said she was putting my uterus back in. Suddenly I felt pain where she was operating, real or not, I felt it. And I let them know it. Curt told me that the doctors decided to put me under because I wouldn't let them work with my loud complaints.

I wake up again with Curtis next to me and I'm wheeled to the recovery room.

Week 39 - 5 days to the due date

Monday we visited the doctor for our last official prenatal medical appointment. My numbers again were stable and the doctor recommended I begin doing some walking and squats to stimulate progress. She examined me as well and determined that things were definitely brewing and it is only now a matter of time. She suggested we maintain an appointment for the day after the due date just in case baby Alexandra decides to give Curt and I another weekend to ourselves.

I feel as ready as I can be. I'm open to whatever needs to get done to have a healthy delivery for both of us. We have what we think we need and we've prepared for her homecoming. Curt has started and is maintaining a list of people who he will send via text details from the hospital.

Time for stretching and a few squats. More to come!

Week 39 - 7 days to go...give or take a few!

Just yesterday I had to tell Curtis that he was on his own. Yes. I have finally come to the point where I can no longer cook, pick up after myself, organize, or do any kind of activity beyond the necessary. Sure sure I can make myself a cup of coffee or put dirty dishes in the dishwasher but I can't do too much lifting, bending, moving. I think this is the time where you just enjoy being pregnant and let others do for you. I wish I could say "i can get used to this" but I can't. I rather do for myself. I'm glad that Curtis and I see eye to eye on how things have to get done and he's more than capable...and quite talented in the kitchen...for caring for the household as needed.

I still try to stretch but I realized that stretching makes me sore beyond what i'm naturally already experiencing. As I walk around the house, I feel what seems to be my pelvic area expanding...it's magical. I remember feeling a similar ache when I over do it at pilates. At night I sleep well except for the occasional bathroom run I have to do --- these depend on the amount of water I drink the evening before...sometimes i wake once a night...the most I wake is 3 times. I don't have to even look at the clock any more to determine what time it is. If it's easy to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, it means it must be after 6am. The 1am or 3am bathroom runs are difficult...a crane would be useful during those times.

On our Thursday visit to the doctor, we had an ultrasound to measure my amount of amniotic fluid. Too much fluid can be a bad sign as it shows the baby may not be swallowing enough of it and she could be in distress. I was hoping to get a good look of her in this ultrasound but apparently, the bigger she is the less visible she can be...the lack of room in the belly makes it hard for the technician to get a good angle. The ultrasound revealed normal to high amounts of fluid but nothing to be alarmed about. She also indicated that Alexandra's weight is at 8 lbs 6 oz. Yikes! My doctor didn't believe it and I have also read that it is virtually impossible to be absolutely accurate when measuring weight in the belly.

In addition to the ultrasound, my doctor revealed the results of the tests conducted on my Monday visit where she predicted the possibility of having to check into the labor room if the bed rest didn't help my numbers. Though we readied ourselves for the possibilities of labor by choosing a pediatrician, setting the car seat, packing the hospital bag in the trunk, taking final belly photos, and having a clean apartment, we were happy to know that the results of the tests were good. Bed rest had indeed worked. My blood pressure had gone down and this time there was no protein in my urine. Unfortunately my 24 hour urine collection test did show elevated numbers of protein that did not qualify for a dangerous situation that may require induction but did demand bed rest and close observation. The safe NORMAL numbers are supposed to be in the 100s. Anything above 300 is alarming. My numbers were in the 220s. So for now, I maintain my routine by resting and waiting.

Tomorrow we go see the doctor again for what should be my LAST prenatal appointment. By this time next week I will either be in the midst of it all or we will have little Alexandra home and I will be writing about a whole other experience. Or could she be late?

Progression - 20 30 and 38 weeks

38 weeks and 13 days to go? maybe not!

Just returned from the doctor and I'm home. I had another week of work planned but today my doctor said she was putting me on bed rest and I needed to quit work immediately.

The Run Down:
1) Last week my blood pressure was slightly high and I had not gained any weight.
2) This week my blood pressure was slightly higher than last week and I gained 4 lbs.
3) Protein was found on the urine sample.

What does all that mean?

Although I'm not swollen (my strappy ankle sandals still fit and my wedding ring fits the same) the doctor says that those three symptoms could be a result of developing what is known as preeclampsia. Because of this result, I will be required to pee into a container for the next 24 hours that will be delivered to a lab for further testing. On Thursday, my next doctor appointment, I will have an ultrasound to check for the levels of amniotic fluids and the total well being of the baby. IF the doctor finds that my lab results are not normal OR my blood pressure is still going up, or it's abnormal still, I will be required to check into the labor floor on Friday for induction. That's right. Baby Alexandra may come into the world this Friday.

Stay tuned!

Still 37 weeks...19 days to go

Pain!

We went to the doctor's office this morning for my weekly check up. Aside from having to travel all the way to midtown during rush hour, we had to wait over an hour for our doctor because there was some kind of emergency she had to attend to.

The office was much fancier...it was on Madison Av after all...but it was also much busier and slower to get things done and going.

Maybe this is what made the results of my blood pressure different this time...it was higher than normal. The doctor mentioned it but didn't say anything much about it. In addition, the nurse noted that I showed signs of dehydration, despite all the water i drink through the day. She did make me feel better when she said that it is often normal to show slight dehydration in the early mornings after a night of 8 hours or more of not drinking anything while asleep. I admitted I had reduced my evening drinking to avoid waking up in the middle of the night to use the restroom...I'm trying to sleep as much as I can now...and I am!

In terms of weight, I didn't gain or lose anything, though I was told it was common to fluctuate between losing and gaining these last few weeks.

After an hour of sitting in the examination room, covered with a white sheet from the waist down, the doctor finally came in to listen to the heart beat and for an examination of the cervix. The heart beat, as usual, was pleasant, beating loud and clean.

And then came the cervix exam.

It is during this time that the doctor determines whether the cervix is moving, dilating...opening up...readying. Last week, she said, it was on lock down, closed for business. This time? a different story...

Using her hand in a fist to illustrate the cervix she showed me the sections that needed to open and which were beginning to show signs of flexibility. She assured me that there wasn't a possibility that Alexandra would come this week (whew!) but that the process had begun and things are definitely in motion.

It was during this examination, where she feels her way around the cervix, that I experienced incredible, unsettling, unfortunate pain. Pain so awful that my eyes watered. My threshold to pain is almost nonexistent. And the doctor noticed this..she asked "You're going to do this with epidural, right?" I assured her that I would, without a doubt.

Maybe I need epidural for these examinations.