Almost 8 months old
We moved when Alexandra turned 7 months and it has been nonstop work (with some chaos) to settle into our new space. Alexandra finally has a nursery she will be able to enjoy....as soon as we complete it. Little by little lambs are emerging from her sheets, her night light and lamp shade, her wall and her blanket. And she seems intrigued by them...but then again, she's intrigued by mostly everything. At this stage, she stands and claps and pushes the ottoman around the living room using it as her personal walker. She manages to stand a few seconds without holding on to anything, enough to clap a few times...maybe imitating us when we see her doing something great or maybe showing off her abilities to hold her balance long enough to clap, clap, clap! Her food repertoire has increased as well. She eats broccoli and green beans, sweet potato and pears, peas and peaches, yogurt and prune juice...yes, prune juice diluted in water...yum? (this last one is more for medicinal purposes).
Curtis told me the other day that I make motherhood seem easy. I don't know if most husbands say this about their wives but he couldn't be more far from the truth. Motherhood is anything but easy for me. There are conflicting emotions and stress that I never imagined I'd suffer. And the past 7 plus months have made me reassess and discover things about myself, my life that I never thought I'd have to think about. Being a stay at home mom for the first six months provided a perspective that I couldn't have read from a book. And now, working full time also changes my ways of behaving in this new role.
Staying at home with Alexandra made me realize my limitations. I questioned why, as a stay-at-home mom (especially with an infant) I insisted on cooking, doing laundry, taking care of the home? This only stressed me out more and tired me to exhaustion. This made me moody and even unpleasant at times (if you can believe that)! And now, as a working mom I rush home to be with Alexandra -- I'm flooded with energy on my way to pick her up, to hug her and see her heart melting smile. But once at home, I feel the burden of everyday responsibilities, all while taking care of Alexandra. This burden is self imposed. Why? I don't have to be supermom...rather, I don't WANT to be supermom.
Many times Curtis has had to physically stop me from doing things...forcing me to relax, nap or just do nothing.
The abrupt changes that happened once we had Alexandra (even after nine months of preparation bringing a brand new person into our lives) required a real self reevaluation. Realizing my limitations -- that I couldn't do it all...but most importantly, that I didn't have to do it all -- was the easy part. Readjusting my priorities has been more difficult. It is hard work to ignore the laundry, to simply order in, to respond to emails later, to run errands on weekends without Alexandra, to spend time on ME things (when there are things that have to get done), to share parenting responsibilities, etc. I have had to learn to release the need for control and do things when I can, when it's possible, which many times may be later than sooner. While at the same time, I had to learn to be okay with doing things that I want when I want while responsibilities wait....
This readjustment has allowed me to be much happier to enjoy Alexandra, to be a loving wife and to be satisfied and fulfilled with myself.
Curtis told me the other day that I make motherhood seem easy. I don't know if most husbands say this about their wives but he couldn't be more far from the truth. Motherhood is anything but easy for me. There are conflicting emotions and stress that I never imagined I'd suffer. And the past 7 plus months have made me reassess and discover things about myself, my life that I never thought I'd have to think about. Being a stay at home mom for the first six months provided a perspective that I couldn't have read from a book. And now, working full time also changes my ways of behaving in this new role.
Staying at home with Alexandra made me realize my limitations. I questioned why, as a stay-at-home mom (especially with an infant) I insisted on cooking, doing laundry, taking care of the home? This only stressed me out more and tired me to exhaustion. This made me moody and even unpleasant at times (if you can believe that)! And now, as a working mom I rush home to be with Alexandra -- I'm flooded with energy on my way to pick her up, to hug her and see her heart melting smile. But once at home, I feel the burden of everyday responsibilities, all while taking care of Alexandra. This burden is self imposed. Why? I don't have to be supermom...rather, I don't WANT to be supermom.
Many times Curtis has had to physically stop me from doing things...forcing me to relax, nap or just do nothing.
The abrupt changes that happened once we had Alexandra (even after nine months of preparation bringing a brand new person into our lives) required a real self reevaluation. Realizing my limitations -- that I couldn't do it all...but most importantly, that I didn't have to do it all -- was the easy part. Readjusting my priorities has been more difficult. It is hard work to ignore the laundry, to simply order in, to respond to emails later, to run errands on weekends without Alexandra, to spend time on ME things (when there are things that have to get done), to share parenting responsibilities, etc. I have had to learn to release the need for control and do things when I can, when it's possible, which many times may be later than sooner. While at the same time, I had to learn to be okay with doing things that I want when I want while responsibilities wait....
This readjustment has allowed me to be much happier to enjoy Alexandra, to be a loving wife and to be satisfied and fulfilled with myself.
2 Comments:
You once said that you didn't believe in the mothering instinct. It seems like some of your struggles you deal with trying to be 'Every Woman' that brings home a bacon, fries it up and keeps her man and child happy has something to do with an internal drive (Instinct maybe?)
you think? I see it like an adjustment to an added responsibility....a responsibility that both brings joys and stress. Before Alexandra I still had to run around doing everything I attempt to do now. The difference is that then, if I slacked I could always stay up later or wake up earlier or do it between commercials...etc. Now? no chance. There is an unpredictability that has to be considered... I see it more like a loss of control...that's my theory
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